Jess. 23. My life reads like a soap opera sometimes. I am burdened with glorious sarcastic tendencies that usually end up getting me in trouble.

Actual Quotes from my Dad (An English Teacher)

Dad: Why the hell did you put a comma there?

Dad: Do you even know what a participial phrase is?

Dad: Omg. He's like my favorite character of all time.

Dad: Who should I dress up as for the movie premier?

Dad: Hey are you awak? I know it's late, but you read Animal Farm, right? Yeah. I need you to read this report. I can't tell if I am just super tired or if this is actual bullshit.

Dad: Alesha wouldn't be able to spell 'definitely' right if wrote it down for her. She would fucking erase it and then write 'defiantly', because she doesn't care. I hate her.

Dad: I need you to bake brownies. I lost a bet.

Dad: Omg. You cannot ship me with Gilcher. You know I don't like tattoos and he's like twenty-five. And for Christ's sake, he teaches math.

Dad: Omg. Gilcher said the funniest thing today.

Dad: Mrs. Ashworth and I have decided to start a band. It'll be called Great Expectations.

Dad: It's like you didn't read the fucking book.

Dad: Okay. So this week you're reading this book I stole from Mrs. Ashworth's. It's like sixty pages long, but you'll love it.

Dad: *puts books on my bed for me to read everyday and demands that I read them*

Dad: My son doesn't like reading. I have not only failed him, but society. You aren't my son. Leave.

Dad: Okay. So you're getting books for Christmas. All of you. I get discounts on them since I'm a teacher, and since I'm a teacher, it's all I can afford, so...

Dad: Fucking standardized testing can go fuck itself in the ass.

Dad: I have to teach for the required testing instead of what they really need to know.

Dad: Fuck the government.

Dad: Fuck the school board.

Dad: Close the door.

Dad: Charles Dickens was so fucking pretentious, and I hate him, but he also caused change, but he's such a Dick. Ha. DICKens.

Dad: I love puns.

Dad: People who say sarcasm is the lowest form of humor are assholes.

Dad: Please shut up.

Dad: Catching Fire was the worst book but the best movie and that feels weird.

Dad: I wouldn't get so mad when you call me at school if you didn't change your ringtones to inappropriate rap music.

Dad: I fucking hate Alesha. She asked what countries were apart of Austria-Hungary today and I almost told her to get out.

Dad: You cannot visit my school in a dress that short. There are boys there.

Dad: Barbra Parks is fucking Queen.

Dad: I need you to make me a good, relaxing playlist for silent reading. I'm too lazy.

Dad: If I have to watch two of my students grind on each other at one more dance, I will kill them both.

Dad: They act like I care what they think.

Dad: I hate homework.

Dad: I have decided to become a politician.

Dad: What's the one book with the guys and the one kills the other and the chick without a name who dies and the short angry man? Mouseman? Oh my fucking gosh. Of Mice and Men. I have failed.


potterwhogleek:

will be like: you are not king yet, you royal little shit

*george starts singing “i just can’t wait to be king”*


I got dressed this morning. For myself.
Put on eye liner. for myself.

Put on my favorite red lipstick. for myself.

Showed a bit of skin. for myself
I wanted to be beautiful. For myself.
—(via acceptvnce)

I am a lone wolf, and a vicious one. Don’t make me rip your throat out.Orange is the New Black (Season 2)


Orange Is The New Black Season 2 Trailer


rupindeer:

I hope when you die you get to see your stats like how many times you laughed or told a lie or kissed or how many people loved you and how many people hated you and what you meant to people


stability:

my hobbies include staying up until 2am for no reason and being exhausted the next day



coagulates:

the worst part about ugly dudes is everyone defends them like ‘he’s really funny though’ or something but if a chick is ugly to someone they just straight up dirt like they might as well not even have a personality 


blizzly:

Geez, thank you, Ubisoft, not like I needed my heart or anything.



THEME
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